Today is a not so good day

I spend most the day reading my books for our fostering class. To be honest it really just depressed me. Obviously we want to foster to help yes but our ULTIMATE goal is adoption. These books are not encouraging if that if your dream. I keep saying Ok Lord I know your in this so please show me that light at the end of the tunnel. The Devil has been doing a good job hiding it from me here lately.
    Also this month Alan will be administering my HCG shot at home. I skipped on going in for the ultrasound this month to try to save a little money. Dr Holman is letting me do the shot at home since I've been going since last June and have never had a month that I did not produce follicles. Lets just pray this takes this month. Once again yes I have faith, and yes I trust the Lords plans but I will never say It's easy. Because it is not.
     I don't want to live my life by cycle days. This last 9 months has literally FLOWN by for me. Faster then any other period in my life before. Because I live my life from month to month waiting on the one day where I know if it took or not and If I'm finally going to be a mother.
    All that said to say this...
I don't typically set goals with the new year( which is obvious since I'm just setting these =] ) But I have a few for myself this year...


*Slow down. Quit running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Spend a little more time sitting on the couch doing nothing with my hubby, and not so much running around.


*Don't hate myself when I don't become pregnant. Quit beating yourself up every month when it doesn't happen.


* Get some Patience....(lets move that to #1)


*Breath...Relax...Stop stressing over every little thing.


* Let your house get messy. And don't worry about it. No one cares if my toilets are cleaned twice a week, and my dishes are put away everynight.

*Spend more time in God's Word. Spend time in fellowship with him alone. 


*Take a vacation. A REAL Vacation. Spend the week doing nothing. Cut the cell phone off and relax.


*Take a month or two off from trying to conceive if I have not by June. Spend June and July off all the meds, and shots, and Dr visits.


*stick to your goals of going to the Gym with Heather weekday mornings( starting 01.03.12 yay)


* Thank God for your my blessings everyday. Quit dwelling on what I don't have and be thankful for what I do have.


* And last but not least. LOVE MYSELF!! Embrace who I am as a person. Embrace that some things about me might be broken, but that God heals all.


    So those are a few things I WILL do. I'm physically tired, and Mentally exhausted and I need a change.


Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Alan.

I'm touched by the look he gives me when we see a couple with their children.I know right then he will be an amazing father to our children.I adore how he gives a little sigh every time after he laughs.I'm crazy about how he laughs at the T.V even when no one else is in the room.I love his passion for the things he loves.I love how he loves me.How me moves me.I love the women he has made me.God has truly blessed me.



I love the way you whisk away my imperfection

the way your eyes dance in sugar brown hue

I love how you lull my disturbed senses

pacify me when you catch me blue

I love the inexplicable adrenaline rush

when the tips of you fingers touch mine

I love how you breathe your love into me

you are the oasis I've been trying to find

I love how you fill my porous head with honey

as you lift my spirits up so high

I love the tenderness in your saccharine kisses

the way loving you makes me cry

I love how in euphoria my heart aches

when you whisper songs of love so true

I love the way your voice makes me weak

the way I'm so in love with you

I love how you hold me close to keep me warm

how being together makes the love inside swirl

I love the way you always make me feel

like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world

I love him. Therefore I care

 I found this old post on my myspace from 02.15.09. I love my hubby

 

Let me say that I am not a baseball fan. My husband is a baseball fan. More specifically, a die hard Atlanta Braves
fan. I am a fan of my husband, more specifically, I am a fan of my husband being happy, therefore I am a Atlanta Braves  fan. At least I play
one in real life.

I always seen my friends and these women who were never fans of sports, then they get with their man and BAM full out sports fans!!I always though I would never do that. Now I
understand. When your man's happy, you're happy and your man's happy
when his team wins.

So
I try to understand. I try to compare my husband spending hours on atlbraves.com and watching hours on end of these sports channels I could never remember[there are SO many] to me... searching for random useless knowledge on the internet. Of course I don't cry when I don't find it, but I understand a bit of the obsession he feels.


In summary, it could be porn or video games - but its football and I can handle that.

To Concieve, to adopt, or both... that is the question...

 An interesting Article I read today. I do feel like it's fine to proceed with TTC while starting the Adoption procedure(maybe I'm a bit biased). Let me know what you think after you've read this article.

 

Trying to Conceive (TTC) and Adopting. Can they be done at the same time? Is it a good idea?

• Making the Adoption Decision
• Trying to Conceive (TTC) and Adopting
• What Infertile People Find Scary About Adoption
• Library of Articles on Adopting After Infertility

Traditionally, those with fertility problems have been told to move past the stage of TTC (trying to conceive, generally via assisted reproduction) and mourn the loss of biological children they would not have before starting the adoption process.

Today, however, some experts say this doesn’t have to be a hard and fast rule. They believe that there are instances where TTC and pursuing adoption can go hand in hand. But - and there is a "but".

To learn more, we talked with Lisa Schuman, CSW, CASAC. Ms. Schuman is a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City and is a partner in an adoption consulting group called Adoption Network Consultants. She is a support group leader and sits on the board of the American Infertility Association. She is an active member of the Mental Health Group of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine and the Adoptive Parents Committee. She is a parent through adoption.

We asked her:

1. if it’s always best for fertility treatments to stop and losses to be mourned before starting the adoption process;
2. if no, why/when not?
3. why many agencies require that their clients "resolve" fertility issues and stop TTC before starting the adoption process;
4. why some hide the fact that they are TTC from an agency;
5. if there are particular problems we should be aware of where TTC and adopting might collide

Q: "Traditional wisdom" seems to say that those actively involved in fertility treatments should not begin the adoption process - that they should wait until treatments prove ineffective or until they make a conscious decision to stop - until they mourn the loss of biological children they won’t have. Is this always best?
A: Not always.

Q: When or why not?
A: First of all, I don’t believe that feelings can simply dissapear or be shut off. I think mourning for any loss, including infertility, happens over time. If we waited for everyone to be fully "recovered" from the pain of infertility, most people could not adopt. I think it’s ok to be sad. Even to be sad when you have adopted children. For example, it may be sad that you didn’t give birth to them. Everyone in the adoptive family has experienced a loss and to deny that is to deny our feelings. Having said that, I think it is also important to be self aware and to know when you are ready to bring a child into your home. If you are feeling drained and in need of nurturning, it may be wise to recoil and heal your wounds a bit before you adopt. Children need to be taken care of, not to get the message that they are there to make their parents happy. Couples, individual or group therapy with someone who specializes in this area can help to identify potential problems.

Q: Why do many agencies require that prospective adoptive parents resolve fertility issues and not be in the process of TTC when they start the adoption process?
A: I think some social workers believe that the couple will not be committed to adoption, will be actively grieving when they bring a child into their home, will back out of the adoption if they get pregnant, etc. I have heard many reasons. I don’t think that any of us knows what people are thinking or feeling until we talk to them. Once we do we can have an idea of how they feel, not before.

Q: Why do some hide the fact that they are TTC from adoption agencies?
A: They may be afraid they won’t be approved by the agency.

Q: Are there particular problems families should be made aware of where TTC and adoption collide?
A: Of course, there are many potential problems. I come from a background in IVF counseling. Over the years I have done a good deal of donor egg and donor sperm screening as well. The myriad issues involved in these procedures are too numerous for a couple to consider on their own. For that reason, it is imperative that they be counseled on the consequences of their decisions. I believe the world of adoption can learn a lot from the IVF world. Couples should not be quickly excluded from agencies but instead interviewed and counseled before any decisions are made. I think it would be more helpful for all involved.

Q: Any final comments?
A: I would encourage everyone to be counseled and assisted in their quest for a baby so they don’t feel desperate, alone and eager to ’break the rules’. I also hope that the agencies wake up to the fact that people need to be treated as individuals and spoken with in a kind and humane way. The whole infertiltiy treatment process is so depressing and de-humanizing that the last thing people need is more of that when they look to adopt.

Playing Catch up

Wow I can't believe I have not blogged since Oct 2011. Unfortunately I will admit I did get tired of posting the same thing over and over again. So lets play a little catch up
-Candace had Baby Landon 11.22.11 which by the way is an awesome birthday!

- Alan and I are still going thru fertility treatments every month but sadly are still not pregnant. We have changed my meds around a little and I'm changing my eating and exercising. Also taking natural supplements known to assist in fertility.

- We started our classes for fostering and Wed will be our first class. It will be approx 10-12 weeks before the entire process is finished. Then it can take anywhere from 30 days to 60 days for the state approval to come back. So we may see a child in our home as early as early as the end of April to May. We have specifically told them our MAIN goal is adoption and we will take children 0-5 years of age. The funny thing is I was DETERMINED I had to have MY OWN child. No if's and or buts. Then I woke up this past week and my period had started again and I didnt have my normal emotional break down. Yes my heart sunk, and I did mourn that yet another month had passed but the thought came to mind,"Maybe this is God's will right now, maybe you need to open all possibility's." 

      Now having said that we do still plan to go to the Dr and I know many of couples who have gone through fertility treatments for a year and more before conceiving. One couple close to us didn't conceive for 9 months. This will be our 9th month.  But I do believe all children are a blessing from God and if he chooses to bless us through adoption I will take that blessing as well!!

   So it's been a pretty bland uneventful past 3 months but hopefully I'm back in the blogging mode and can keep it up a little better from here on out.